Its My Party...I can Dance if I want to....

Wow today I am 48... as I opened my eyes and looked around my semi dark room, I smiled... I have a new year... a whole new start, what will 48 look like for me?  Before I completely moved from sleep to wake, I talked to my mama...those moments are when I can easiest connect to her... I thanked her for this life she gave me, even though I wasn't conceived at an opportune time for her... and I didn't make her life an easy ride... God knew that I needed this mama to be in my corner...that she would love me beyond all doubt even when at times she wasn't sure if she liked me.... I miss her everyday...but especially today when we had our journey together of bringing me into this life... As we both pushed and pained to bring me here, it was the start of a ride of crazy and beautiful waves....
So I decided to start this birthday with a smile, and I watched a recorded Super Soul Sunday episode to start it right, then I got dressed in my workout clothes and I headed to the gym (I wanted to skip because its my birthday...I can skip right?, but I decided in this new year I am given, I will make better choices for my health) So I pulled up to "Group Power" class, whatever that was gonna be... I walked in and got all the gear (well some of the gear cuz I didn't know the drill)... I felt happy to see my old friend "the step" thinking 'oh this is familiar' ... and I grabbed a bar and some weights... 
As the class started I had those familiar feelings of feeling like the new kid who didn't know the routine... and everyone seemed so confident... but I kept my mind chatter to a minimum... And I focused on lifting... I felt weak but at the same time, I felt strong... I felt my muscles burn and I knew that they were under there...they were aching to move and burn and gain strength again... I knew how they felt, because I too ached to gain strength and be strong ...
About 3/4 of the way through class, as I lifted weights I noticed that where I stood, the sun shone through into my eyes... at first I moved and was bugged "why does the sun have to be in MY eyes...then I smiled and I changed my thought ... I closed my eyes and thought "God is reminding me that he still shines on me, that he's wishing me Happy Birthday too!" That I'm blessed to feel the Sun!  
I as lay on the step for ab work, I closed my eyes, and I reminised again to my other gym days, where I wasn't the new girl, where I had "my pack" my village of people who held me up... and I felt sad and alone...but I'm really trying to realize that I'm a good lone wolf for now, that I will find my niche, my group, my pack...and even if I don't I am strong and I can do this anyway...

And today my sister posted the following picture... at first I felt embarrassed...then I decided to embrace it... I danced in the corner window at my nieces wedding, and the people below stared and my family giggled...and I felt free, cuz this is me...my crazy, goofy, self... no matter my size... I am me...I am wild and free.... (plus my sister kept paying me to dance ... so I can say now that I'm a professional right?)  Sometimes your family and friends, and especially your children need to see you dance with wild abandon...like no one is watching, or everyone is watching...that its okay to let go and be you.... regardless of others reaction... so this year... I am dancing, and I am singing and I am me! Happy 48th year to me!