“How does one become a butterfly?" she asked. "You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.” Trina Paulus

Friday, October 3, 2014

Bonus workout day - spin was raw and painful

This morning I decided to go to spin... I had only committed to 3 gym days a week but decided i was feeling pretty good and could add another....As the class started I was feeling pretty good, but then it seemed to be hard for me all of a sudden... I try to listen to the music and let my legs peddle to the beat and let my body feel the rhythm.  But it was hard today... We did hills and my legs wanted to give out... about half way through I kept imagining myself just getting off the bike and leaving... but I'm proud that I didn't.  As we moved into the leaning forward position (and this is hard for me to admit, but its real and raw on this blog right?)with each peddle I could feel the top of my thigh touch my stomach...my first reaction was disgust with myself for the belly I have created... I remembered the weird feeling of being pregnant and my stomach touching my thighs as I sat...but this isn't a life in my belly now,  this is just fat... I was upset with myself for getting here... then a flash of self compassion hit me... As I peddled and stayed the course on the bike... my thoughts went inward... I remembered the start of the weight gain journey... I had just had my last daughter and as I looked at where we were now, my beautiful children and I ... I felt blessed with these miracles, but felt lost with myself... I had over the last 14 or so years gone from one relationship to the next without figuring me out... I had filled the holes of loss with the giddiness of new love... and this time I decided to do something new... I decided to give myself 2 years of a man or relationship fast... I decided to look at me and my parts in what had happened... to look at myself clearly without beating myself up... to look at each relationship clearly and see both parts as clearly as I could through my eyes... after 2 years, the weight began...slowly at first... it was my protection it was my cocoon... it gave me the cushion between me and a man...it kept them at a distance... it kept me safe... the 2 years turned into 8 before I got in a relationship again... 
I remember what a friend said to me one day a few years ago as she was doing energy work on me... she said "you aren't in your body much", it took me by surprise.  What does that mean...then I really understood... I had disconnected from my physical afraid to be in there.  So as the peddles kept spinning... my head and my soul connected I began to feel grateful...I talked to my body and I thanked it for doing what my soul had only asked for, protect me.  It had only done what I needed and wanted at the time... As I asked for forgiveness for taking it for granted and for berating my body and myself... I asked for patience and strength to get us back on track...  I'll keep moving forward to health, if you will release the extra physical baggage we carry... I'll connect and be in my body and feel the feelings... you can start to trust me again...I'm starting to believe I can trust me again... I can trust myself with myself and relationships without the physical boundary of weight... I know its a process and there will be triumphs and defeats... but I will keep moving and striving... and as the cool down music started and I heard the mantras of my Kundalini yoga... I smiled and took a deep breath... Thank you I'll take that as a sign... a beautiful sign that I'm coming home to me.... 

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