Day 2 - Spin me right round baby, right round... on a bike that is stationary...

Yahoo (said in a whisper) I got up again for 5:30 Spin class (whisper cuz its 5:30 am by dang) 
So getting up was a tiny bit harder today...
So some lessons in Spin today
1. Don't walk in a few minutes late and be too shy to ask for help adjusting your bike seat (trust me you will thank me for this one later)
2. I realized that my negative thoughts sleep better in the dark of the spin class--- maybe it was the need to concentrate to stay on... 
3. the pumpin music helps me forget the pain...
4. the ladies trying to talk over the music are annoying (note to self, don't do that, cuz its not nice...plus the teacher calls you on it in front of the class---3rd grade flash back) 
5. At some point in the hour my hmmm hmmm goes numb and I'm a little concerned about that, to be honest.  
6. I like the anonymity of the dark room and the ability to see out and not in the room.  (I used a big word cuz I'm more awake now that class is over)
7. I know its only day two of my 2nd (maybe 5th) start on this journey, but I already feel stronger... not necessarily my muscles but my soul... I feel proud of me today... 
8. As the day has gone on...I'm more tired today than I was yesterday, but I'm reminding myself its all a process... it may get harder before it get easier, but it will get easier... 

I'm reminding myself that I am still early in this journey...that I'm working on the physical/mental.  I'm not beating myself up over the food parts... I am slowly working on that too...but for now I can concentrate on the physical... I know that this blog is helping me stay committed so far... and it may not help anyone but me...and that's ok too... it also may get ugly and raw some days...and may not be for the easily offended types... i try to keep it light, but that's not how I always feel... so I am being true to me and my walk through this... 

Thoughts at Zumba, 5:30 am no less....

5:15 out the door- yeah me, I did it I'm up...dang its dark out here
5:31 Ready Ok...no no wait, guess who does Zumba? moms who were cheerleaders in High School...crap now I really feel ugh
5:37  uh...guess who's super nice and welcoming to the chubby girl in the back? yep those cheerleader girls...now I feel like a jerk
5:42 Is it over yet?
5:43 I really shouldn't have dropped out of dance class in 4th grade
5:47 oh i got a few of these moves...oh how I miss the 90's and my step aerobics...I was a maniac... now...not so much
5:53 Wow I don't look so bad in the mirror...I kinda look cute, oh wait...that's not me, that's the instructor...I'm the one over here in the yellow shirt.... is that really me?
5:57 ok talk nice to myself... I'm blessed to have this body... I can do this...
5:58 seriously...1, 2, 3, 4 get it together girl
6:00 I really shoulda paid more attention when I went Salsa dancing with the kids I used to track.... I feel like Ben Stiller in Along Came Polly (not Ben in the end after lessons...in the beginning when he was sweating like a pig)
6:04 control my thoughts, control my thoughts... my imagination isn't my friend
6:07 well I can do the booty shakin stuff... the nights at the club paid off
6:10 wait til I show some of these moves off in the car rides after picking up Mallory and her friends...they will dig them...
6:14 oh my goodness...only 15 more minutes... I feel my muscles burning .... they are still there under this disguise of flubba...
6:18 I hate the people running around the track above us and looking down... geez who are they to judge...and look at that guys outfit...oh wait, I'm judging... 
6:23 This isn't so bad... everyone is friendly... we all have our own stuff right?  I remember being the cute girl at the gym and still not appreciating my body... maybe some of them feel that way too... I remember grabbing the 1/2 inch of fat and complaining, I remember looking in the mirror and wanting bigger boobs (got em now) and more muscle in some areas... 
6:28 stretching ...aww the home stretch... I didn't do so bad... what if I keep this up and find my way back to my healthy body...and what if I can help others do the same?  ....but first I gotta get control of my thoughts and my negative talk about me... lets start here... Teri, you are beautiful and you did it today!  Way to shake your booty and wave your hands in the air like you don't care... You can do it!  

lol warning the posts here will be fragmented thoughts i'm piecing together

One thing I know about me is that I have a wild, loving, rebellious soul... I know that in this journey guilt and shame don't work...that when I am starting this work the first thing to shut me down is shameful words because I know that I do that enough in my own head....But what I hadn't thought of was something my son in law pointed out...he said basically if that doesn't work... how do you do well without that then?  and while I am realizing what shuts me down, I am still working on what motivates me... I know in the past I worked out to feel strong when I had been pushed around by a previous boyfriend...but now I'm working on figuring out a positive motivation without the fear of physical attacks ... the strength against my own mental attacks... I know feeling healthy enough to be around for my babies and grand babies is a motivation, but its sort of like the "I'm invincible" complex... so I don't let that sink in somehow.   when I was at 5:30 am kickboxing this last week... it takes all my mental strength to look at myself in the mirror...to love myself in this body surrounded by women in lean bodies... as we did lunges, I started saying "I'm grateful for my beautiful body" over and over all the way across the gym back and forth.  

I am working on learning to trust myself... having the extra weight makes me feel safe that I won't attract men who want just a nice body...that if someone loves me like this then he would really love me...but I'm learning to trust myself.  I know my own boundaries and I can trust myself to hold them.  I've also struggled when I was lean, that I would intimidate other women and they wouldn't like me, but that's not my problem... I can't shrink (or grow chubby) to make them feel better about themselves... they can watch me and be inspired or be intimidated...that's their choice... I will work on being the best me I can be....

I know this is a process and its not necessarily gonna be easy, but it also doesn't have to be hard... I can do this... and I will post the triumphs as well as the raw setbacks... this week I will do better than last week and move forward with my head up a little more...

Raw and Gooey- Introduction

My journey isn't pretty, but it's oh so beautiful...it's not tidy and clean, but messy and tangled... But a caterpillar can't emerge from its cocoon  the butterfly it was destined to be without darkness and goo, without struggle and pain. There are moments of writhing in pain as the wings start to form, that thoughts feel hopeless and alone. There are moments I wish I could change my mind and stay the same, a caterpillar is fine and does it own good.... But I know deep in my soul that I made this commitment, I know deep in my heart that I promised Him more. I search deep in my memory reaching for the moment I sat with Him and said I want to learn this, I will take on this task...I wish I remembered the belief I had in me then... The look in His eyes as He believed in me too... But in my darkest gooiest moments He shows me a tiny spark of my light to give me hope to move forward...

So I'm starting another blog of my journey forward... It won't be poetic words like my other blog, it may be raw and ugly and messy but from it will come beauty... It's going to be my physical journey back to health, but that's just a physical representation of the truly  messy journey within... The weight is a protection from the hurt, to insulate and protect me from the painful lessons ... I know as the covering started I was in the waves of the inertia of relationships that I hadn't processed or felt the weight of (pun unintended but true) so as I tread the water gasping for air...I needed protection to be able to dissect and reopen the wounds to let them breathe and heal. 

  This blog is for me, but if in someway it can touch or help you...that's wonderful.