“How does one become a butterfly?" she asked. "You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.” Trina Paulus

Sunday, September 28, 2014

lol warning the posts here will be fragmented thoughts i'm piecing together

One thing I know about me is that I have a wild, loving, rebellious soul... I know that in this journey guilt and shame don't work...that when I am starting this work the first thing to shut me down is shameful words because I know that I do that enough in my own head....But what I hadn't thought of was something my son in law pointed out...he said basically if that doesn't work... how do you do well without that then?  and while I am realizing what shuts me down, I am still working on what motivates me... I know in the past I worked out to feel strong when I had been pushed around by a previous boyfriend...but now I'm working on figuring out a positive motivation without the fear of physical attacks ... the strength against my own mental attacks... I know feeling healthy enough to be around for my babies and grand babies is a motivation, but its sort of like the "I'm invincible" complex... so I don't let that sink in somehow.   when I was at 5:30 am kickboxing this last week... it takes all my mental strength to look at myself in the mirror...to love myself in this body surrounded by women in lean bodies... as we did lunges, I started saying "I'm grateful for my beautiful body" over and over all the way across the gym back and forth.  
I am working on learning to trust myself... having the extra weight makes me feel safe that I won't attract men who want just a nice body...that if someone loves me like this then he would really love me...but I'm learning to trust myself.  I know my own boundaries and I can trust myself to hold them.  I've also struggled when I was lean, that I would intimidate other women and they wouldn't like me, but that's not my problem... I can't shrink (or grow chubby) to make them feel better about themselves... they can watch me and be inspired or be intimidated...that's their choice... I will work on being the best me I can be....
I know this is a process and its not necessarily gonna be easy, but it also doesn't have to be hard... I can do this... and I will post the triumphs as well as the raw setbacks... this week I will do better than last week and move forward with my head up a little more...

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